"God does not use you greatly until he hurts you deeply." ~ A.W. Tozer
When I first wrote this quote on the inside cover of my Bible several years ago, I didn't fully understand it. I hadn't experienced enough to really comprehend what it means...it now means more to me than ever before.
Taking the time to read this quote over and ruminate on it yesterday, I now see it in a new light. A new season of life, a new understanding of God's love and plans.
God has hurt me over the past year. He has ripped me out of my comfort zone, away from my friends, family, and the place I once called home. I wouldn't have chosen to take this path, but now seeing the outcome, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I once heard someone say that life can only be understood backwards; even though it must be lived forwards. In review of the course my life has taken, I can see how God's mighty hand has been there every step of the way, even though I couldn't see it the first time around.
At the start of 2010, my dad lost his job. Finding a job two hours north from my cherished hometown, my family started making our plans to travel to the land of the unknown. Although I knew in the back of my mind that God must be in control of this huge change, I must admit, my faith in my own talk was weak. I was leaving my friends and family, to spend my senior year of high school in an all new environment...not exactly a time in which a teenage girl wants to think of this being a good thing...
We moved north in June and I began school in September...which is when it really hit me that I really wasn't going back. My first few weeks at my new school were not my favorite. After 3 days in, I had had it. I came home from school that day weeping, begging my mother to let me be home schooled. "Just for one year?!" I begged her. My father gave me advice that night that I'll never forget. At my lowest, he told me to not let anyone rob me of my joy. "Where does your joy come from?" he asked, "GOD. Something that comes from the Almighty God cannot be taken away from you by other people." I wrote this in my journal for safe keeping, and continued to school the next day with a little less darkness clouding my view.
Soon, I began finding opportunities to talk about God in school. I found great strength in these conversations with friends, as my faith was challenged and I grew to be bolder in my walk with the Lord. I became confident talking about God with anyone and everyone, and somehow, by God alone, I was still accepted, despite my differences from others.
Two months into school, I was given the opportunity to do something I had never done before. After becoming friends with a girl whom God had been working in through others, I was able to pray with her for her salvation. She accepted the Lord into her heart on that day. I am so grateful to be used in God's amazing plan.
As the year has gone on, the clouds have cleared from my sky. Like after good thunderstorm, the bright blue sky that follows seems brighter and more cheerful than ever before. The sun comes out, and plant life grows in leaps and bounds. I look back on the year and see how much God has been leading me all along. Even at my lowest, He was there, with His amazing plan. From this storm has come a brighter day. God has used this move to help me grow in leaps and bounds; to strengthen my faith and to bring Him glory. Throughout the course of this year, I have had an abundance of opportunities to share God's love with others. He has given me a new strength, to tell of His love and mercy in ways I had never known. I now see how completely foolish it is to live my life for selfish ambitions vs. God-glorifying missions.
With this new understanding of God's omnipotence, I am currently okay with the mysterious direction my life is headed in. Right now, I still have yet to hear from Moody, and don't know what God's plan is. But thankfully, He has a plan. Even if I have no idea what would be the best route for this next stage of my life, He does know and He has it all under control. I give my future over to Him, and commit to go wherever He wants me, wherever I can be used most for His glory.
So no, if you ask me, I don't know where my future is headed. I am almost graduated from high school, and I may not be accepted to the only school I've seriously applied to. I want to be a missionary, living my life out passionately for my God. Oh and yes, I know that you may not think I'll last long without starving or getting infected with some strange African disease, but I know that I have a relationship with God that goes beyond all else. He will provide the rest. I desire to bring Him glory. I commit myself to His plan. Because of what He did on the Cross; Because of His unending, merciful love for me; This is what keeps me going. This is what gives me an unexplainable peace about the mysterious future that lies ahead.
"I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." ~ Psalm 91:2
