Heartsong

Well, it’s been a long time since my last blog post. Far too long. I apologize.

Leaving Uganda was one of the hardest parts of this entire last two months.  Our plane lifted off the Ugandan soil.  As the cabin cheered, faces full of excitement, silent tears streamed down my own.

All travel went more smoothly than I could have ever imagined.  God was so with me, providing me with likeminded people and just an amazing peace through the whole process.  Seeing my family was not an experience that I would have expected.  After so many of the hours that I had spent crying over missing my family while in Uganda, my reaction still surprises me now.  I love my family to no end, but I would far rather see them with me in Uganda, not here.

The things that I experienced in Uganda have changed me forever.  God opened my eyes and grew my heart for His people.  He gave the hardest experiences of my life, to bring me to the most intimate relationship with Him I have ever experienced.  His strength was made perfect in my weakness.  He gave me these orphans, His children, to share His never-ending, unconditional love with.  Life is so different now.

I came home and quickly got swept up in the fast-paced life of America.  As I started school and got a job, I found myself “too busy” to spend time with God; the same God that I had chased after so hungry-like while in Uganda.  What is happening to me?  Why is life so different?

I’ve yet to understand why it is that it’s so easy to make time to spend with God in Uganda, when here, I shrug it off so easily.  God, give me that passion to make time for You in the chaos of life.

As for Uganda, I will soon return.  I’ve always had a draw to missions work, but never before like this.  My first few days back in America were the hardest.  I didn’t want to be here and didn’t know why God had brought me back early.  I’m so thankful for a wonderful woman’s words of wisdom, “At least you now know that that’s where He’s calling you!  You might be home for now, but before this trip, you didn’t have this clarity!  Praise God for giving you direction!”  Thank you for helping me to see this; for helping me to recognize God’s glory in my skewed vantage point<3  And thank you, God, for that clarity!

I’m now in the early stages of planning for next summer’s adventure.  If it weren’t for school (and God’s amazing, sovereign plan) I would go back right now in a heartbeat.  I hear my kids yelling “AUNTIE LYDIA!!!” and see their great big brown eyes looking up at me with love.  I go back to the days of playing in the yard and going for walks; remember the excitement of band aids and ice cream; wish I could be there now to sing songs and give hugs.  But, God obviously has a reason for me being here now.  I’m not sure what it is yet, but I trust Him.  Some days go by when I’m so wrapped up in life that I don’t even notice; other days go by when I can’t close my eyes without seeing one of my boys faces looking up at me; those beautiful faces.  I miss them something terrible.  I will be back.

God, thank you for this direction and clarity.  I can see a new piece of the puzzle; PRAISE GOD!  Lord, teach me what I need to know to be the best woman of God that I can be.  Help me to slow down and see your beauty in the little things.  Give me your eyes here in America, as you did in Uganda.

As much as I’d like to ask for this painful homesickness to go away, I cannot.  Please God, let it stay.  Don’t let me forget for a moment all that you have done in my heart.  Remind me of what You’ve given me a glimpse of.  Remind me of your glory and your love.  Give me that mad-passion for You, God.  I LOVE YOU, LORD!  Use me for Your glory! <3


My loves<3

Oh yea... and did I mention I met Katie Davis? :)

Nkwagala nyo!

Today is Tuesday.  I leave on Friday.  Only 2 more full days with the children that I've come to love so dearly.

I've come to love them all a lot more than I had ever expected.  Truthfully, 2 weeks ago, I saw most of these kids as just bickering troublemakers with snotty noses and wet diapers.  Now, God has definitely given me His heart for his children.  Lately, I've found myself jumping up to wipe off the snotty faces, or realizing when someone is about to wet themselves...helping them run to the bathroom to go "su-su" before it's too late.  The child that causes trouble just wants my attention, the one who barrels into me from across the room just wants some love.  They are all so beautiful; God's beautiful children.

Here at Amani I co-teach preschool with another volunteer.  I have come to love this so very much.  At nine o'clock am we ring the bell for preschool to start.  Our 9 students, and sometimes some extra toddlers that get swept up in the crowd, come running into the classroom with huge smiles and even more excitement.  We sing songs, read a Bible story, as well as a few other books, and then sit down for writing/coloring time.  We are currently on the letter L - like the "llllllla" in "Auntie Lydia".  Then we have snack time, and finally time to play games, write with chalk, or watch Veggie Tales on my laptop.

In the evenings, I have two hours of rotating activities.  Today is my "1 on 1".  I pick one child and spend two hours of special time with him. :) I'm thinking that tonight we might bake a cake:)

I am so in love here.  I have such mixed emotions.  I need to go home; school first.  And I do miss my family something terrible, but when there are so many kids here calling me "auntie"; so much love that needs to be shared, it pains me to think of leaving...

...I only have 2 more full days.

Thank you, God, for giving me a heart for what breaks yours.  Thank you for everything that you have taught me through this experience.  I feel in my heart that this is not the end.  Lord willing, I will come back.  And maybe, just maybe, one of these times coming back to the states, I'll be carrying a little one in my arms:)

Thank you so much for all of your prayers!  I will be needing them so much as I depart from my loved ones and make the long, tiresome journey home. 

Nkwagala nyo, nyo, nyo!<3

Coming home...

Okay. Well, here's the scoop. I haven't had internet for the last week and a half. As of last night, the internet has returned, but with how slow and unreliable it is, there is no possible way for me to expect to be able to do my online classes while here.  I have booked a flight back to America on August 19th. I've prayed and prayed about it, and this seems to be where the Lord is taking me. It's not what I expected, but I know that I have put it in His hands. He is leading me home for now. Thank you for all of your prayers! God is so good. He has been answering prayers and breaking me down to build me back up. He has taught me so much on this trip, and I still have another week of my time here! Please continue to keep me in your prayers! It is so encouraging to have so many people praying for me and giving me verses of encouragement! Please pray that I make the most of the rest of my time here. Pray that I never take a moment for granted and that I give every minute of it to the Lord. And finally, please pray for my travels back. This will be the farthest that I have ever flown alone, and I'm not looking forward to over 28 hours of flights:P Because of Jesus<3

Whatever you want, Lord

Whatever you want Lord, whatever you want.

I am a selfish, stubborn human being.  I am so sorry Lord for allowing my sinfulness to come in the way of my vision of following your will.  You, oh Lord, are my only hope.  When I begin to let worry and anxiety in, I begin to think that I need to take control.  My sin prevents me from seeing that you are still there; you are still waiting with arms wide open.

Thank you, God, for showing me how selfish I am this week.  My prayers have been bitter and afraid, showing my lacking of trust in You, God.

Thank you for the church.  Thank you for days when we, as Christians, can unite in one body, to hear what You have to say through Your people.  Today, I was reminded of your sovereignty.  I may think at times that you have left me alone in a strange land, but You are always there.  You are always in control.  Just as Jesus told Peter to go fishing and open the mouth of the first fish to find a coin, you not only know what is going to happen, but you make it happen.  You didn’t just know that the coin was going to be in that fish’s mouth, you put it there.

God, you didn’t just know that I was going to go to Uganda, you put me here.  I don’t know how long I’ll be here or how much struggling and learning I’ll do in that time, but I know that you are in control.  I may miss my family to no end, and I may not think that I can get internet signal to do my school work, but you are always in control.  You can and will provide for all of my needs.  From this point on, Lord, I put my trust in You and You alone.  I haven’t been doing that this week.  Instead, I’ve been worrying that things wouldn’t work out or that you won’t be here with me, using me.  I started to think that I must come home early; no matter if you have a plan for me here or not, I just can’t take it – please send me home.  But Lord, today You have brought me peace.  I don’t know at this point whether You’ll send me home early, or will bring back the internet (that has been gone for so many days now), so that I can do my school work when my online classes begin later this month.  But God, I put it in Your hands.  Either one will be difficult, but whatever the direction, I will know that I have lifted it up to You, and you have given me the answer that comes.

God, I love you so much.  I am sorry that I am so weak and sinful.  I thank you for the work that you have been doing in my life.  I thought that I would just come to tell people about You, but instead, You have worked in my life, changing me in so many ways.  Continue to teach me new things every day.  Continue to stretch me; in order to teach me more about You, and to make me more like You.  With every struggle that turns me to You, I grow in my strength and relationship with You.

God, I trust You.  I cannot do this on my own.  I don’t know Your plan, but I trust that no matter what, You will ultimately use me for Your glory.

I love you, Lord Jesus.

Whatever you want. <3

Updates From Your Muzungu :)

Hello from Uganda!

Sorry it’s been a while since my last blog post!  I haven’t had the best internet access these past few days.  Here’s a brief update! :)

On Thursday, we visited Amani Baby Cottage; my home for the next 2.5 months.  Seeing as I had no idea what to expect, I was quite encouraged.  Amani has approximately 60 kids, almost all 4 years and under.  Most of their parents have either died or have abandoned them.  Amani takes them in no matter their condition. 

It is run by an American woman, and because of that, it has American conveniences such as a toilet and internet. (THANK YOU GOD!) ;) I was comforted by the fact that while it is both clean and the “aunties” really love and know the children, I am still a much needed help.

I met another volunteer that will be there the entirety of my time, and made arrangements for me to have a ride to Amani on Tuesday.  Please keep me in your prayers; that this transition goes smoothly and that I don’t get too homesick when all of my teammates go home to their families tomorrow.<3

On Friday, my team went into the villages of the Karamajong people.  The Karamajongs are in poverty beyond belief.  Fathers and many mothers have died from HIV/AIDS.  The mothers that are around take in the children of their friends and family that have also died.  These widows and their multitudes of children live in small huts (many 5’x5’) made of sticks and mud.  Most of the children have no shoes, and the mud that they walk in looks and smells of poop.  We spent a few hours with these people, some talked with the women and others with the kids.  It was a very difficult and exhausting experience.

Saturday, we had the opportunity to visit Katie Davis’ Amazima Ministries.  We saw and took part in the feeding program that I had read so much about on Katie’s blog.  When we first got there, I was disappointed to hear that Katie wouldn’t be able to make it today.  She was what got me started on Uganda; God had used her story to inspire me and bring me here, to this beautiful, poor country.  God, I know that she isn’t why you brought me here.  She very well may have just been the tool that you needed to get me here.  Please help me to not be discouraged that I cannot meet her today.

Three hours later, a bus arrives with none other than Katie Davis in the driver’s seat!  I got to meet her and talk to her about my next few months at Amani.  I was worried at first because my camera battery had died and I wouldn’t get a chance to get a picture with her, but she told me that because I’ll be at Amani, we’ll probably see each other quite often around town.  Thank you, GOD!  I don’t know what you have planned or why you do things the way you do, but thank you for giving me the chance to meet her. 

Sunday we had church.  Church here is such a different experience than in America.  Worship is has so much passion, and if the pastor feels like preaching a little while longer…there goes another hour of the day. Haha, but it was wonderful.

We spent the rest of the day hanging out with our friends at Canaan Children’s Home.  Having stayed at Canaan’s all week, I’ve grown really close to a few kids.  Please keep them in your prayers.  One of my 11 year old little friends is having a hard time with the fact that I’m going to be leaving there tomorrow.  I don’t know his whole story, but he obviously is not used to feeling so much love.  My heart breaks for my new little brother.<3

Tomorrow at 10:00 Ugandan time, I get picked up for my next 2.5 months at Amani Baby Cottage.  Please keep me in your prayers.  Pray that God would give me the energy to give these kids the attention and love that they need.  Pray that God gives me an unquenchable thirst for Him, and with it strengthens me to do all that He has planned.  Pray that God will give me the words and verses to say to whomever I come in contact with; only He knows what people need to hear.  And finally, pray for my transition away from my team this week.  Pray that I never feel homesick, overwhelmed, or discouraged.  I’m tired and miss my family, but I pray that God gives me the love and strength to push past myself in order to live for Him. <3

Illogical Joy From God Alone

Today was spent at a children’s prison – yes, a prison for kids.  An emotional roller coaster to say the least.

After a delicious breakfast at our hotel, our team was taken on an unforgettable and very humbling journey.

The first building that we visited was solitary confinement.  Children are put in a room with concrete floors, no bed, no blankets, no bathroom, no water, and minimal food.  They are locked in a room for two weeks, with the intention of breaking their spirits.  Fingers poked out of the grate at the top of a door as we walked past.  As I reached up and held this boy’s hand, I was overwhelmed at the horrible conditions this poor boy must endure.  Please God, you put the lonely in families.  Please give this boy joy.  Show him your love, and help him to no longer feel the pain of what he must face each day.

My team was next given a tour of the bunkhouse for the children.  Bunk beds fill the room; many without mosquito nets, the rest with gaping holes all over.  No child is safe.

Due to mass overflow, half of the children don’t even have legitimate beds.  A pile in the corner contains thin, spongy mattresses that they can pull down to sleep on at night.  All, of course, are torn; holes in places where sponge material used to be.

The final room of our tour was the home of the innocent children at the prison.  They were brought in from off the streets, all with their own story of how they came to be here.  The conditions of these blameless children seem to me much worse than that of the prisoners.  The children in this room do not come out.  A pile of torn mattresses lies in the corner, as did the other room, but there are no bunks, no mosquito nets.  A brick structure takes up another corner; so I’m told, they go to the bathroom back there.  The children are locked in this room; their only possessions are the clothes that were on their backs when they were taken in.

We spent the morning with these children, praising God for his mercy and forgiveness.  At one point, a few children raised their hands with questions… one asked for a pair of shorts… one asked for a Bible… one asked for us to pray over them.  Hearts were heavy.  God was ever-present.  These children have so much to be frustrated about.  They have almost nothing, but they still praise the Lord.  They don’t take anything out on God; but rather see Him as merciful and forgiving, thanking Him with hands lifted high.

Next, our team pulled out all of our donations.  A system was made to cycle the kids throughout the room, giving each a T-shirt, flip flops, a granola bar, a sucker, and a bracelet.  The smiles on those faces were as bright as the sun.

Our final few hours at the prison were spent just hanging out with the kids.  Many know quite a bit of English, and it was truly amazing to hear the stories of what they’ve gone through and where their faith lies.

I made friends, laughed, cried, was horrified, and saw things that will change my perspective on life forever.

God, thank you for these children.  Thank you for bringing them to you and giving them joy despite their circumstances.  I don’t know why you have them there, but you have certainly used their desolation to bring them to a place of passionately loving you.

Be with them tonight, and forevermore.  Continue to draw them close to you.  Help them to see that nothing brings peace and happiness like the love you freely give.  Give them a hope and a future.  Keep their dreams big, their hearts soft, and their smiles wide.

I love you, Jesus.  Thank you for your mercy and forgiveness and the joy that you bring. <3

Loving a Child

Well… I made it!  After over 24 hours of travel on those oh-so-comfortable plane seats (note HEAVY sarcasm), I am here in Uganda.  The past two days have been exhausting, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Yesterday was hard.  Being so tired and achy, it was hard to see the beauty that God was building up towards.  God, thank you for giving me 2 Corinthians 12:9 last night.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  I despise being weak, but to know that You will use my weaknesses for your glory, makes things a lot better.  God, continue to bring me peace.  It hurts to think of not seeing my family again for three months, but I know that you can ease that pain.  Remind me that you are there; that you are the best parent ever.  Help me to see these fellow Christians as family, my family in You.  Use this time to build up my strength in You, as well as build up my personal independence level.

~~~~~~~~~

Today was AHH-MAZINGGG!  Ohmygoodness, God, thank you for today.

Today was beautiful.  A beautiful Sunday spent at Return Ministries International.  Our team started out the day with a church service like I’ve never seen.  Worship here in Uganda is such a beautiful thing.  There’s so much passion and joy in their singing, something that is not always so common in the typical American church.  Pastor Samuel preached from Psalm 68:5-6:

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.  God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

 Pastor Samuel talked about how orphans are not only those who are fatherless; those without God as their Father are also orphans.  He talked about the disintegration of families through “men wanting to be women, and women wanting to be men.”  He talked about the importance of family; how family and a relationship with God go hand-in-hand, and without God, and a father who gives glory to God, families fall apart.

After the service, we had time to play with the kids.  There are 15ish kids that live there at Return, but children from all of the community come to Return’s daily activities and programs.  These children are more desperate for love than any I have ever seen.  They come up to you and hold their arms up, asking you to hold them.  They give you hugs and kisses and cling to you from all sides.  After a while of greetings, I pulled out my nail polish and was quickly mobbed by several dozen kids, girls and boys, all wanting the attention and color of a fresh coat of pink paint.

Next was lunch.  Pastor Samuel asked us to serve the children their food, and we quickly got to work.  Workers stood at the front, behind huge vats of rice and beans.  We stood in line to receive plates, which we then passed out to the children.

After seeing the conditions in which the food was being served, truthfully, I wasn’t too crazy about our turn to get our plates.  However, that food was amazing.  Best plate of rice and beans ever. J

The last few hours of the day were spent singing and dancing with the kids.  First, they performed for us; singing, dancing, and playing the bongos.  It was beautiful.  Afterwards, they called us up to dance with them.  We sang and danced and even taught the kids a couple songs.

Leaving was a heart wrenching experience.  The kids all wanted hugs and pictures.  Olivia, a girl that was clung to my hip most of the time, was sad to see me go… I gave her a picture of me I had in my bag to remember me by.

Children chased our bus down the road for a good half mile, waving and yelling “BYE!” the whole way.  People waved to us on the streets, cracking jokes about us “muzungus."

It was a beautiful day.  Thank you, God for rejuvenating me with a good night’s sleep.  Thank you for renewed excitement and joy.  Thank you for giving me the peace that I’ve needed so much.  Thank you for children.  Thank you for being the Ultimate Father.  We may have a father figure, or none at all, but nothing compares to the love that you give.  Thank you for being a father to the fatherless and a protector of widows.  I pray for these children that we were able to love on today.  Give them your fathering love.  Put these lonely children in homes.

Thank you for teaching me so much today.  Giving so much love to these children was so surprisingly fulfilling.  Singing and dancing with the children, praising you with passion, I am overwhelmed with your works.  Thank you for drawing me near to You through these children.  Thank you for your amazing ways of bringing glory to you through the simplest things in life; like loving a child.

P.S. I reallllyyyy tried uploading pictures... but it's wayy too slow... hopefully later:/