Heartsong

Well, it’s been a long time since my last blog post. Far too long. I apologize.

Leaving Uganda was one of the hardest parts of this entire last two months.  Our plane lifted off the Ugandan soil.  As the cabin cheered, faces full of excitement, silent tears streamed down my own.

All travel went more smoothly than I could have ever imagined.  God was so with me, providing me with likeminded people and just an amazing peace through the whole process.  Seeing my family was not an experience that I would have expected.  After so many of the hours that I had spent crying over missing my family while in Uganda, my reaction still surprises me now.  I love my family to no end, but I would far rather see them with me in Uganda, not here.

The things that I experienced in Uganda have changed me forever.  God opened my eyes and grew my heart for His people.  He gave the hardest experiences of my life, to bring me to the most intimate relationship with Him I have ever experienced.  His strength was made perfect in my weakness.  He gave me these orphans, His children, to share His never-ending, unconditional love with.  Life is so different now.

I came home and quickly got swept up in the fast-paced life of America.  As I started school and got a job, I found myself “too busy” to spend time with God; the same God that I had chased after so hungry-like while in Uganda.  What is happening to me?  Why is life so different?

I’ve yet to understand why it is that it’s so easy to make time to spend with God in Uganda, when here, I shrug it off so easily.  God, give me that passion to make time for You in the chaos of life.

As for Uganda, I will soon return.  I’ve always had a draw to missions work, but never before like this.  My first few days back in America were the hardest.  I didn’t want to be here and didn’t know why God had brought me back early.  I’m so thankful for a wonderful woman’s words of wisdom, “At least you now know that that’s where He’s calling you!  You might be home for now, but before this trip, you didn’t have this clarity!  Praise God for giving you direction!”  Thank you for helping me to see this; for helping me to recognize God’s glory in my skewed vantage point<3  And thank you, God, for that clarity!

I’m now in the early stages of planning for next summer’s adventure.  If it weren’t for school (and God’s amazing, sovereign plan) I would go back right now in a heartbeat.  I hear my kids yelling “AUNTIE LYDIA!!!” and see their great big brown eyes looking up at me with love.  I go back to the days of playing in the yard and going for walks; remember the excitement of band aids and ice cream; wish I could be there now to sing songs and give hugs.  But, God obviously has a reason for me being here now.  I’m not sure what it is yet, but I trust Him.  Some days go by when I’m so wrapped up in life that I don’t even notice; other days go by when I can’t close my eyes without seeing one of my boys faces looking up at me; those beautiful faces.  I miss them something terrible.  I will be back.

God, thank you for this direction and clarity.  I can see a new piece of the puzzle; PRAISE GOD!  Lord, teach me what I need to know to be the best woman of God that I can be.  Help me to slow down and see your beauty in the little things.  Give me your eyes here in America, as you did in Uganda.

As much as I’d like to ask for this painful homesickness to go away, I cannot.  Please God, let it stay.  Don’t let me forget for a moment all that you have done in my heart.  Remind me of what You’ve given me a glimpse of.  Remind me of your glory and your love.  Give me that mad-passion for You, God.  I LOVE YOU, LORD!  Use me for Your glory! <3


My loves<3

Oh yea... and did I mention I met Katie Davis? :)

Nkwagala nyo!

Today is Tuesday.  I leave on Friday.  Only 2 more full days with the children that I've come to love so dearly.

I've come to love them all a lot more than I had ever expected.  Truthfully, 2 weeks ago, I saw most of these kids as just bickering troublemakers with snotty noses and wet diapers.  Now, God has definitely given me His heart for his children.  Lately, I've found myself jumping up to wipe off the snotty faces, or realizing when someone is about to wet themselves...helping them run to the bathroom to go "su-su" before it's too late.  The child that causes trouble just wants my attention, the one who barrels into me from across the room just wants some love.  They are all so beautiful; God's beautiful children.

Here at Amani I co-teach preschool with another volunteer.  I have come to love this so very much.  At nine o'clock am we ring the bell for preschool to start.  Our 9 students, and sometimes some extra toddlers that get swept up in the crowd, come running into the classroom with huge smiles and even more excitement.  We sing songs, read a Bible story, as well as a few other books, and then sit down for writing/coloring time.  We are currently on the letter L - like the "llllllla" in "Auntie Lydia".  Then we have snack time, and finally time to play games, write with chalk, or watch Veggie Tales on my laptop.

In the evenings, I have two hours of rotating activities.  Today is my "1 on 1".  I pick one child and spend two hours of special time with him. :) I'm thinking that tonight we might bake a cake:)

I am so in love here.  I have such mixed emotions.  I need to go home; school first.  And I do miss my family something terrible, but when there are so many kids here calling me "auntie"; so much love that needs to be shared, it pains me to think of leaving...

...I only have 2 more full days.

Thank you, God, for giving me a heart for what breaks yours.  Thank you for everything that you have taught me through this experience.  I feel in my heart that this is not the end.  Lord willing, I will come back.  And maybe, just maybe, one of these times coming back to the states, I'll be carrying a little one in my arms:)

Thank you so much for all of your prayers!  I will be needing them so much as I depart from my loved ones and make the long, tiresome journey home. 

Nkwagala nyo, nyo, nyo!<3

Coming home...

Okay. Well, here's the scoop. I haven't had internet for the last week and a half. As of last night, the internet has returned, but with how slow and unreliable it is, there is no possible way for me to expect to be able to do my online classes while here.  I have booked a flight back to America on August 19th. I've prayed and prayed about it, and this seems to be where the Lord is taking me. It's not what I expected, but I know that I have put it in His hands. He is leading me home for now. Thank you for all of your prayers! God is so good. He has been answering prayers and breaking me down to build me back up. He has taught me so much on this trip, and I still have another week of my time here! Please continue to keep me in your prayers! It is so encouraging to have so many people praying for me and giving me verses of encouragement! Please pray that I make the most of the rest of my time here. Pray that I never take a moment for granted and that I give every minute of it to the Lord. And finally, please pray for my travels back. This will be the farthest that I have ever flown alone, and I'm not looking forward to over 28 hours of flights:P Because of Jesus<3

Whatever you want, Lord

Whatever you want Lord, whatever you want.

I am a selfish, stubborn human being.  I am so sorry Lord for allowing my sinfulness to come in the way of my vision of following your will.  You, oh Lord, are my only hope.  When I begin to let worry and anxiety in, I begin to think that I need to take control.  My sin prevents me from seeing that you are still there; you are still waiting with arms wide open.

Thank you, God, for showing me how selfish I am this week.  My prayers have been bitter and afraid, showing my lacking of trust in You, God.

Thank you for the church.  Thank you for days when we, as Christians, can unite in one body, to hear what You have to say through Your people.  Today, I was reminded of your sovereignty.  I may think at times that you have left me alone in a strange land, but You are always there.  You are always in control.  Just as Jesus told Peter to go fishing and open the mouth of the first fish to find a coin, you not only know what is going to happen, but you make it happen.  You didn’t just know that the coin was going to be in that fish’s mouth, you put it there.

God, you didn’t just know that I was going to go to Uganda, you put me here.  I don’t know how long I’ll be here or how much struggling and learning I’ll do in that time, but I know that you are in control.  I may miss my family to no end, and I may not think that I can get internet signal to do my school work, but you are always in control.  You can and will provide for all of my needs.  From this point on, Lord, I put my trust in You and You alone.  I haven’t been doing that this week.  Instead, I’ve been worrying that things wouldn’t work out or that you won’t be here with me, using me.  I started to think that I must come home early; no matter if you have a plan for me here or not, I just can’t take it – please send me home.  But Lord, today You have brought me peace.  I don’t know at this point whether You’ll send me home early, or will bring back the internet (that has been gone for so many days now), so that I can do my school work when my online classes begin later this month.  But God, I put it in Your hands.  Either one will be difficult, but whatever the direction, I will know that I have lifted it up to You, and you have given me the answer that comes.

God, I love you so much.  I am sorry that I am so weak and sinful.  I thank you for the work that you have been doing in my life.  I thought that I would just come to tell people about You, but instead, You have worked in my life, changing me in so many ways.  Continue to teach me new things every day.  Continue to stretch me; in order to teach me more about You, and to make me more like You.  With every struggle that turns me to You, I grow in my strength and relationship with You.

God, I trust You.  I cannot do this on my own.  I don’t know Your plan, but I trust that no matter what, You will ultimately use me for Your glory.

I love you, Lord Jesus.

Whatever you want. <3

Updates From Your Muzungu :)

Hello from Uganda!

Sorry it’s been a while since my last blog post!  I haven’t had the best internet access these past few days.  Here’s a brief update! :)

On Thursday, we visited Amani Baby Cottage; my home for the next 2.5 months.  Seeing as I had no idea what to expect, I was quite encouraged.  Amani has approximately 60 kids, almost all 4 years and under.  Most of their parents have either died or have abandoned them.  Amani takes them in no matter their condition. 

It is run by an American woman, and because of that, it has American conveniences such as a toilet and internet. (THANK YOU GOD!) ;) I was comforted by the fact that while it is both clean and the “aunties” really love and know the children, I am still a much needed help.

I met another volunteer that will be there the entirety of my time, and made arrangements for me to have a ride to Amani on Tuesday.  Please keep me in your prayers; that this transition goes smoothly and that I don’t get too homesick when all of my teammates go home to their families tomorrow.<3

On Friday, my team went into the villages of the Karamajong people.  The Karamajongs are in poverty beyond belief.  Fathers and many mothers have died from HIV/AIDS.  The mothers that are around take in the children of their friends and family that have also died.  These widows and their multitudes of children live in small huts (many 5’x5’) made of sticks and mud.  Most of the children have no shoes, and the mud that they walk in looks and smells of poop.  We spent a few hours with these people, some talked with the women and others with the kids.  It was a very difficult and exhausting experience.

Saturday, we had the opportunity to visit Katie Davis’ Amazima Ministries.  We saw and took part in the feeding program that I had read so much about on Katie’s blog.  When we first got there, I was disappointed to hear that Katie wouldn’t be able to make it today.  She was what got me started on Uganda; God had used her story to inspire me and bring me here, to this beautiful, poor country.  God, I know that she isn’t why you brought me here.  She very well may have just been the tool that you needed to get me here.  Please help me to not be discouraged that I cannot meet her today.

Three hours later, a bus arrives with none other than Katie Davis in the driver’s seat!  I got to meet her and talk to her about my next few months at Amani.  I was worried at first because my camera battery had died and I wouldn’t get a chance to get a picture with her, but she told me that because I’ll be at Amani, we’ll probably see each other quite often around town.  Thank you, GOD!  I don’t know what you have planned or why you do things the way you do, but thank you for giving me the chance to meet her. 

Sunday we had church.  Church here is such a different experience than in America.  Worship is has so much passion, and if the pastor feels like preaching a little while longer…there goes another hour of the day. Haha, but it was wonderful.

We spent the rest of the day hanging out with our friends at Canaan Children’s Home.  Having stayed at Canaan’s all week, I’ve grown really close to a few kids.  Please keep them in your prayers.  One of my 11 year old little friends is having a hard time with the fact that I’m going to be leaving there tomorrow.  I don’t know his whole story, but he obviously is not used to feeling so much love.  My heart breaks for my new little brother.<3

Tomorrow at 10:00 Ugandan time, I get picked up for my next 2.5 months at Amani Baby Cottage.  Please keep me in your prayers.  Pray that God would give me the energy to give these kids the attention and love that they need.  Pray that God gives me an unquenchable thirst for Him, and with it strengthens me to do all that He has planned.  Pray that God will give me the words and verses to say to whomever I come in contact with; only He knows what people need to hear.  And finally, pray for my transition away from my team this week.  Pray that I never feel homesick, overwhelmed, or discouraged.  I’m tired and miss my family, but I pray that God gives me the love and strength to push past myself in order to live for Him. <3

Illogical Joy From God Alone

Today was spent at a children’s prison – yes, a prison for kids.  An emotional roller coaster to say the least.

After a delicious breakfast at our hotel, our team was taken on an unforgettable and very humbling journey.

The first building that we visited was solitary confinement.  Children are put in a room with concrete floors, no bed, no blankets, no bathroom, no water, and minimal food.  They are locked in a room for two weeks, with the intention of breaking their spirits.  Fingers poked out of the grate at the top of a door as we walked past.  As I reached up and held this boy’s hand, I was overwhelmed at the horrible conditions this poor boy must endure.  Please God, you put the lonely in families.  Please give this boy joy.  Show him your love, and help him to no longer feel the pain of what he must face each day.

My team was next given a tour of the bunkhouse for the children.  Bunk beds fill the room; many without mosquito nets, the rest with gaping holes all over.  No child is safe.

Due to mass overflow, half of the children don’t even have legitimate beds.  A pile in the corner contains thin, spongy mattresses that they can pull down to sleep on at night.  All, of course, are torn; holes in places where sponge material used to be.

The final room of our tour was the home of the innocent children at the prison.  They were brought in from off the streets, all with their own story of how they came to be here.  The conditions of these blameless children seem to me much worse than that of the prisoners.  The children in this room do not come out.  A pile of torn mattresses lies in the corner, as did the other room, but there are no bunks, no mosquito nets.  A brick structure takes up another corner; so I’m told, they go to the bathroom back there.  The children are locked in this room; their only possessions are the clothes that were on their backs when they were taken in.

We spent the morning with these children, praising God for his mercy and forgiveness.  At one point, a few children raised their hands with questions… one asked for a pair of shorts… one asked for a Bible… one asked for us to pray over them.  Hearts were heavy.  God was ever-present.  These children have so much to be frustrated about.  They have almost nothing, but they still praise the Lord.  They don’t take anything out on God; but rather see Him as merciful and forgiving, thanking Him with hands lifted high.

Next, our team pulled out all of our donations.  A system was made to cycle the kids throughout the room, giving each a T-shirt, flip flops, a granola bar, a sucker, and a bracelet.  The smiles on those faces were as bright as the sun.

Our final few hours at the prison were spent just hanging out with the kids.  Many know quite a bit of English, and it was truly amazing to hear the stories of what they’ve gone through and where their faith lies.

I made friends, laughed, cried, was horrified, and saw things that will change my perspective on life forever.

God, thank you for these children.  Thank you for bringing them to you and giving them joy despite their circumstances.  I don’t know why you have them there, but you have certainly used their desolation to bring them to a place of passionately loving you.

Be with them tonight, and forevermore.  Continue to draw them close to you.  Help them to see that nothing brings peace and happiness like the love you freely give.  Give them a hope and a future.  Keep their dreams big, their hearts soft, and their smiles wide.

I love you, Jesus.  Thank you for your mercy and forgiveness and the joy that you bring. <3

Loving a Child

Well… I made it!  After over 24 hours of travel on those oh-so-comfortable plane seats (note HEAVY sarcasm), I am here in Uganda.  The past two days have been exhausting, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Yesterday was hard.  Being so tired and achy, it was hard to see the beauty that God was building up towards.  God, thank you for giving me 2 Corinthians 12:9 last night.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  I despise being weak, but to know that You will use my weaknesses for your glory, makes things a lot better.  God, continue to bring me peace.  It hurts to think of not seeing my family again for three months, but I know that you can ease that pain.  Remind me that you are there; that you are the best parent ever.  Help me to see these fellow Christians as family, my family in You.  Use this time to build up my strength in You, as well as build up my personal independence level.

~~~~~~~~~

Today was AHH-MAZINGGG!  Ohmygoodness, God, thank you for today.

Today was beautiful.  A beautiful Sunday spent at Return Ministries International.  Our team started out the day with a church service like I’ve never seen.  Worship here in Uganda is such a beautiful thing.  There’s so much passion and joy in their singing, something that is not always so common in the typical American church.  Pastor Samuel preached from Psalm 68:5-6:

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.  God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

 Pastor Samuel talked about how orphans are not only those who are fatherless; those without God as their Father are also orphans.  He talked about the disintegration of families through “men wanting to be women, and women wanting to be men.”  He talked about the importance of family; how family and a relationship with God go hand-in-hand, and without God, and a father who gives glory to God, families fall apart.

After the service, we had time to play with the kids.  There are 15ish kids that live there at Return, but children from all of the community come to Return’s daily activities and programs.  These children are more desperate for love than any I have ever seen.  They come up to you and hold their arms up, asking you to hold them.  They give you hugs and kisses and cling to you from all sides.  After a while of greetings, I pulled out my nail polish and was quickly mobbed by several dozen kids, girls and boys, all wanting the attention and color of a fresh coat of pink paint.

Next was lunch.  Pastor Samuel asked us to serve the children their food, and we quickly got to work.  Workers stood at the front, behind huge vats of rice and beans.  We stood in line to receive plates, which we then passed out to the children.

After seeing the conditions in which the food was being served, truthfully, I wasn’t too crazy about our turn to get our plates.  However, that food was amazing.  Best plate of rice and beans ever. J

The last few hours of the day were spent singing and dancing with the kids.  First, they performed for us; singing, dancing, and playing the bongos.  It was beautiful.  Afterwards, they called us up to dance with them.  We sang and danced and even taught the kids a couple songs.

Leaving was a heart wrenching experience.  The kids all wanted hugs and pictures.  Olivia, a girl that was clung to my hip most of the time, was sad to see me go… I gave her a picture of me I had in my bag to remember me by.

Children chased our bus down the road for a good half mile, waving and yelling “BYE!” the whole way.  People waved to us on the streets, cracking jokes about us “muzungus."

It was a beautiful day.  Thank you, God for rejuvenating me with a good night’s sleep.  Thank you for renewed excitement and joy.  Thank you for giving me the peace that I’ve needed so much.  Thank you for children.  Thank you for being the Ultimate Father.  We may have a father figure, or none at all, but nothing compares to the love that you give.  Thank you for being a father to the fatherless and a protector of widows.  I pray for these children that we were able to love on today.  Give them your fathering love.  Put these lonely children in homes.

Thank you for teaching me so much today.  Giving so much love to these children was so surprisingly fulfilling.  Singing and dancing with the children, praising you with passion, I am overwhelmed with your works.  Thank you for drawing me near to You through these children.  Thank you for your amazing ways of bringing glory to you through the simplest things in life; like loving a child.

P.S. I reallllyyyy tried uploading pictures... but it's wayy too slow... hopefully later:/

Here I go!

Well, this is it.  The final countdown.  In twelve hours, I will be on my way to the airport, ready to embark on the journey that will change my life forever.

I will be posting as often as possible during these next 3 months.  Hopefully around once or twice a week.  Please keep me in your prayers.

As I wrote in my thank-you-for-your-support letters,

Pray that my heart will be prepared for what I am about to experience.

Pray that I will be able to effectively share the love and mercy of our Heavenly Daddy with the children in the orphanages that I visit.

Pray that I will depend always on the Lord, and that my relationship with Him will grow in ways that I could have never imagined.

And ultimately, pray that God will use me to bring Him glory in everything that I do.<3

I covet your prayers.  Thank you for them so much!  God has been teaching me so much in this preparation process, I cannot even imagine the beautiful things He will reveal to me through these undoubtfully challenging next few months. 

I thank God for you all, and pray that He uses you greatly in these next 3 months; strengthening your passion for Him through the challenges that you each and every day.<3

Here I go! :D

Fears Fade in His Presence

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9 (ESV)

God gave me this verse tonight in my prayer time.  As I was praying for the strength to stand against homesickness, illnesses, culture shock, stress overload, and so many more emotions I fear that I'll face over these next few months, He reminded me that He will be there with me every step of the way.  He was with me before my move from my hometown; He has clearly been with me, working in my life in my new city and school; He will be with me as I stay and serve His people in Uganda.

God has strengthened my relationship with Him more than ever before over the last year.  He has proved to me the personal level of Jeremiah 29:11; that He has a plan for my life, He is all powerful and has ultimate control.  I may not understand the direction that He is leading me at first, but everything He does has a purpose leading to the beautiful revealing of His glory.

A few months ago, I was offered an internship to work at an orphanage in Uganda.  A few months extension to my two week trip, I was overjoyed at the thought of such an exciting, new adventure.  Despite the yearning to look more into this opportunity that had arisen, I was still ever-waiting on an answer from the education of my heart's calling, Moody Bible Institute.  At that time, I asked God to make things clear to me.  My entreaty was that if I was accepted into Moody, I could know for sure that that is where God wanted me during the next year(s) of my life.  However, if God had plans for me in Uganda for the following year, I prayed that He would deny my application to MBI.

God answered my prayer more clearly and breathtakingly than I could ever think up on my own.  While in class on an average school day, I received news that my mother had come to school, bringing the envelope that had come from Moody in the mail that morning.  Sitting on the hallway steps with my mother to my left and the envelope in my hands, I had no idea what to expect or how I'd react.  Opening the letter and skimming the page for the sentence that would reveal my future, I was dealt a decision that I didn't know existed.  I have been accepted into Moody's 1+3 Program; a relatively new system in which my first year of classes will be taken online, and the following three will be guaranteed at the Chicago campus.  While other applicants with this same, unexpected outcome, may have been at first a bit disappointed, I could only think of one thing, "I CAN DO BOTH!"

Clutching to my mother with my weak knees and tears streaming down my face, my joyful heart kept repeating that one, beautiful thing, "I can do both!"

Two crazy, busy months later, I am about to embark on a mission trip that will most definitely change me forever.  I pray that God will teach me more that I ever thought possible.  I pray that He will strengthen me as a person, give me faith like no other, and make me into a person so full of Him that I radiate Him all about me.  I pray that this time serving in an orphanage will teach me so much about life, and make me into a woman of God that will someday make a wonderful, Godly wife and mother.

I am now a high school graduate.  Magna Cum Laude with a proud 3.93 GPA.  I have my life ahead of me and no understanding of where I'm going, but I know that God knows His plan.  "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  I know that He is with me wherever I go, helping me to face a God-hating world, 3 months in a third world country, and doing it all without indoor plumbing.

I know that I cannot do this on my own... Thank God that I have Him to be always with me, wherever I go.  He is always there; I have nothing to fear.

Joshua 1:9

Thank you Jesus.<3

Strength From the Storm

"God does not use you greatly until he hurts you deeply." ~ A.W. Tozer

When I first wrote this quote on the inside cover of my Bible several years ago, I didn't fully understand it.  I hadn't experienced enough to really comprehend what it means...it now means more to me than ever before.

Taking the time to read this quote over and ruminate on it yesterday, I now see it in a new light.  A new season of life, a new understanding of God's love and plans.

God has hurt me over the past year.  He has ripped me out of my comfort zone, away from my friends, family, and the place I once called home.  I wouldn't have chosen to take this path, but now seeing the outcome, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I once heard someone say that life can only be understood backwards; even though it must be lived forwards.  In review of the course my life has taken, I can see how God's mighty hand has been there every step of the way, even though I couldn't see it the first time around.

At the start of 2010, my dad lost his job.  Finding a job two hours north from my cherished hometown, my family started making our plans to travel to the land of the unknown.  Although I knew in the back of my mind that God must be in control of this huge change, I must admit, my faith in my own talk was weak.  I was leaving my friends and family, to spend my senior year of high school in an all new environment...not exactly a time in which a teenage girl wants to think of this being a good thing...

We moved north in June and I began school in September...which is when it really hit me that I really wasn't going back.  My first few weeks at my new school were not my favorite.  After 3 days in, I had had it.  I came home from school that day weeping, begging my mother to let me be home schooled. "Just for one year?!" I begged her.  My father gave me advice that night that I'll never forget.  At my lowest, he told me to not let anyone rob me of my joy.  "Where does your joy come from?" he asked, "GOD.  Something that comes from the Almighty God cannot be taken away from you by other people."  I wrote this in my journal for safe keeping, and continued to school the next day with a little less darkness clouding my view.

Soon, I began finding opportunities to talk about God in school.  I found great strength in these conversations with friends, as my faith was challenged and I grew to be bolder in my walk with the Lord.  I became confident talking about God with anyone and everyone, and somehow, by God alone, I was still accepted, despite my differences from others.

Two months into school, I was given the opportunity to do something I had never done before.  After becoming friends with a girl whom God had been working in through others, I was able to pray with her for her salvation.  She accepted the Lord into her heart on that day.  I am so grateful to be used in God's amazing plan.

As the year has gone on, the clouds have cleared from my sky.  Like after good thunderstorm, the bright blue sky that follows seems brighter and more cheerful than ever before.  The sun comes out, and plant life grows in leaps and bounds.  I look back on the year and see how much God has been leading me all along.  Even at my lowest, He was there, with His amazing plan.  From this storm has come a brighter day.  God has used this move to help me grow in leaps and bounds; to strengthen my faith and to bring Him glory.  Throughout the course of this year, I have had an abundance of opportunities to share God's love with others.  He has given me a new strength, to tell of His love and mercy in ways I had never known.  I now see how completely foolish it is to live my life for selfish ambitions vs. God-glorifying missions.

With this new understanding of God's omnipotence, I am currently okay with the mysterious direction my life is headed in.  Right now, I still have yet to hear from Moody, and don't know what God's plan is.  But thankfully, He has a plan.  Even if I have no idea what would be the best route for this next stage of my life, He does know and He has it all under control.  I give my future over to Him, and commit to go wherever He wants me, wherever I can be used most for His glory. 

So no, if you ask me, I don't know where my future is headed.  I am almost graduated from high school, and I may not be accepted to the only school I've seriously applied to.  I want to be a missionary, living my life out passionately for my God.  Oh and yes, I know that you may not think I'll last long without starving or getting infected with some strange African disease, but I know that I have a relationship with God that goes beyond all else.  He will provide the rest.  I desire to bring Him glory.  I commit myself to His plan.  Because of what He did on the Cross; Because of His unending, merciful love for me; This is what keeps me going.  This is what gives me an unexplainable peace about the mysterious future that lies ahead.

"I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." ~ Psalm 91:2

The Big 18!

Well, I'm officially, legally an adult now.  The big 18!  So far it's not as bad as I thought :)

In celebration of life, I thought it'd be good to reflect on all God has done in my life.  Here is my testimony in a nutshell :)

Growing up in a Christian home, I learned about the Lord at a very young age.  When I was five years old, I asked my parents if I could become a Christian.  Praying with them that summer day, I gave my life over to Christ.  Though I don’t remember much about this life-changing event, I do remember that I knew I was a sinner, believed that He died on the cross for my sins, and that if I accepted His gift of forgiveness, I would go to heaven when I die.

In the years following, the Holy Spirit has confirmed this change in my heart by placing in me a desire to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  At the age of nine I was baptized as a declaration of my faith.

Several years later, my youth group went to a weekend event called Acquire the Fire.  This was when I first discovered my interest in missions.  Never before had I considered going on a mission trip, but at that moment I felt God’s call on my life.  Right away, I started online applications and talked to my parents about trips, but nothing seemed to be working out.  Eventually, I realized why.  What makes me think I can go to the other side of the world to show God’s love, if I can’t bravely talk about Him in my daily life at school?  I began praying about my attitude towards others and asking for opportunities to speak to people about God.  I made my greatest effort to shine for God, leading in my school’s Christian club and taking any chance I could to talk about Him with others.

When I next came across a mission trip opportunity, I began to pray.  Soon, everything began to fall into place.  God provided the money and prayer support that I needed, as well as a sense of comfort and peace to my parents and myself in knowing that this was His will.  God changed my life on that mission trip to Guatemala.  I saw people from a new perspective and realized how hungry people are for satisfaction in life; satisfaction that only comes from knowing Him.  This was the beginning of my desire to go into full time Christian ministry.

When I look back on the years since my salvation, I see how my relationship with God has evolved.  Being saved as a child, I am so grateful that He has protected me from going through this time without Him.  I have found that starting each day reading God’s word empowers, encourages, and challenges me.  He has become a bigger part of my life, someone that I enjoy talking to daily in prayer.    It is amazing how my understanding of Him has developed.  I can’t wait to see what He has in store for my future and am excited to get my hands dirty in His work. <3

That's my King.  I wonder do you know Him?

Overwhelmed . . . THE LORD HAS PROVIDED!

I, in this moment, am overwhelmed.  I don’t think there has ever been a moment in my life where I’ve been this speechless.   The Lord has provided.  As of an hour ago, my financial needs for Uganda are fulfilled.  God has brought in $3200 in two months!  If I ever had any doubts that He could bring in the money, they are long gone.  “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).  The Lord has done the unthinkable; the unimaginable.  He has provided the means . . . and I am overwhelmed.  God has revealed where He wants to use me next, and I am ever so willing.  I have been praying that He would use me in His plan; that He would tell me where to go and what to do.  Sometimes I think I’m on the right track, but there isn’t always a bright neon flashing sign telling me “WRONG WAY” or vice versa.  This is my sign.  All this time I have felt like this is where God wants me; all this time, it has seemed like He has been working things out in my life for me to go on this trip and into further missions, but this is the bold, neon sign.  God has brought in all the money.  He plans to use me for His glory!  “I took you from the ends of the earth, from it farthest corner I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant,’ I have chosen you and have not rejected you.” (Isaiah 41:9)

 He has called and He has provided.

$3250!!!!!

Holy & Merciful

$2530! I'm 80% there!  Four months until I travel to Uganda!  God is providing<3

“He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,” - 2 Timothy 1:9

God truly is amazing.
Holy; Perfect; Completely sinless.
And here I am, addicted to sin.
Falling far short of perfection day after day.
I don't deserve His love. My sinful self deserves hell.
But God is amazing.
Not only did He create me, but He loved me enough to die for me.
The perfect and powerful maker of the universe took my place and died, so that I can live.
He doesn't need me, but He loves me so much that He gave me something that is the farthest thing from what I deserve, everlasting life in Heaven.
Amazing love<3

Reflecting on God's holiness, grace and mercy...<3

Over Half Way There!

155 Days; 21 Hours; 23 Minutes
The time until I leave for Kampala, Uganda.

$1700
The donations I've received.

$1500
The money left to raise.

Over half way there!:D

A lot to go, but I have faith.  And with a little faith in the Lord, He tells us we can move mountains!  God has brought in this much and I have no doubt in my mind that He can bring in the rest.  Thank you all so much for all of your support!  Please continue praying for the money to come in and for God to continue preparing me for what He has planned next.<3

And now I wait...

The first responses to my letters came in the mail today!  I am literally jumping for joy praising God!  I've been working on the Uganda process for a while now, but now that God is bringing in the funds, it makes it so much more real!  I have $146, now!!!  Thank you to those of you who have given donations already and thank you to all who plan on supporting me soon, financially as well as prayerfully!  Please continue praying for the process!  Please pray that God will use these next 5 months to build my strength and dependence on Him.  I cannot wait!!!

On another note, for all of you who have been praying for me in the process of applying to Moody, I wanted to thank you immensely and give you an update.  I received a letter on Saturday informing me that my application has been deferred.  This means that I was not accepted for the early decision, but they will review my application again in April.  A second chance!  As much as I am EXTREMELY anxious and impatient for the final decision, I know that this time is all a part of God's plan for me.  Please also pray for me to have guidance, patience, encouragement, and wisdom in following His will.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

Letters are out!

My fundraising letters for Uganda are officially out!
Hopefully you all will be receiving them soon:)

And speaking of mail...
Moody Bible Institute is scheduled to have mailed out their acceptance letters today!
Ohhh the anticipation!

Time

Time: the continuous passage of existence in which events pass from a state of potentiality in the future, through the present, to a state of finality in the past.
Finality.
Gone.

Time scares me.  One minute I'm in the backyard digging for earthworms under the swimming pool with my brothers and next thing I know it's 7 years later and I'm about to graduate high school.  Where did the time go?  I don't recall it coming, let alone leaving, so soon.

I've never been one for goodbyes.  Always a sobbing, pitiful child, I would cling to my parents with hugs and kisses galore before letting them go anywhere from my sight.
When my mother would pick me up from friends' houses, I would stow them away in the trunk, so that we wouldn't ever have to part.  My mother was always too wise for this, however; somehow always knowing what my plan was and stopping the stowaway.
When my dad would leave for work in the mornings, my brothers and I would watch him drive away until his car was out of sight, hating to see him go; hating to see anyone go, no matter the length of time gone.

I've never been one for goodbyes.
This year, my senior year of high school, is a year of goodbyes.
Truthfully, this frightens me.
Truthfully, a large part of me never wants to leave home; never wants to say goodbye.
I don't know how the time got here so soon.  One day I'm  in eighth grade looking at dream jobs for "the future", and the next...I'm about to live it.
"The future" wasn't really supposed to ever come.  It was as real as "Never Land" in Peter Pan.  But now it's here...and I'm expected to be ready for that.
I'm expected to be feeling a lot of things right now... things that I'm not.
For one, I'm supposed to be happy to leave; happy to get out of my "cage" of a house; happy to live on my own.  But I'm not.
Secondly, I'm supposed to be living my senior year to the fullest; going to every party and event with all the "greatest" people.  But I'm not.  Instead, I find myself wanting to spend more time with my parents; wanting to have more...time.
I know I will be leaving soon, off to college.  And I know that after that, only God knows.  But I do give my life over to Him.  Somehow, despite my hatred for goodbyes, I still have this passion to follow Him to the ends of the earth.  I know it won't be easy and will probably only get harder as the "goodbye" time approaches, but I am willing.  If God can use me most in some obsolete part of the world, then I will follow Him.

It comforts me to read Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Although sometimes I'm dying to see the road map of my life, no one could give directions like my God.  The journey may be difficult, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, but He knows what He has planned for my life, and He promises that His route has the best outcome.

So I give over my time; my biggest worry right now.  Although I know of the "finality" of time, I pray that God will show me that time is a good thing; that through time He does amazing things in our lives; helps us grow to see Him and love Him in new ways.  I love Him so much.  But I know that he loves me more than I can comprehend.  So I end this in comfort that He is my Protector, my Road Map, and the Keeper and Creator of time.  As long as He's in control, I have hope for a prosperous future.

One Year Ago

In anticipation of the new year, I find it appropriate to think back on everything that has happened in my life throughout 2010. This year has certainly been one that I will never forget. Full of life changing events, both good and bad, it has been evident that God has had His mighty hand in my life every step of the way.

In January of 2010, I experienced the deep sorrow of death, and of taking one’s life away intentionally. I had heard suicide stories, but nothing prepared me for the emotions I felt the day that my friend’s sister ended her life. What feelings and thoughts were going through her head, I will never know. But her action indefinitely changed my life. Life is not something to be wasted, nor to be taken lightly. I have been blessed with a sheltered life (which I thank God for earnestly), but I will not let myself go on ignorant to the misery and loneliness that so many face in this world. I will not forget. I may not be able to change minds, but I can and will love those who feel unloved.

I challenge myself to do this in the upcoming year… to love unconditionally… anyone and everyone. I have learned this year that there is often so much more to people than meets the eye… so much hiding underneath the surface… so much suffering in secret. I pray that God will remind me of this commitment, and show me new ways every day to carry it out; ways to love like Jesus. <3